How to deal with fights in relationship? the Do’s and Dont’s

How should I handle my husband? I am fed up due to the arguments with my spouse. He doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he never had loved me. And since my child was born, his love for me diminished. He doesn’t care for me at all. He is not that person whom I had married. I moved with him wherever he went, just to be with him, to grow our family together. I had a child because he so much wanted it. My bearing a child made me shape my career in a different way, in a way which I had never desired. I sacrificed a lot for him, for his family. And now, he has no time to look at me, to speak to me lovingly. There is so much humiliation living with him. I am in a toxic relationship.

I do not know what has happened to her. Our endless talks have changed to single word responses. Her time is devoted only to the child, as if I was never present in this house. My needs are remaining unfulfilled now. Her responses have become cold. I am unable to understand when she is happy, when she is sad, anxious, or angry, when she wants something from me, or when she doesn’t want anything from me. I am doing everything for her, for our child. And this is the way she treats me. I can’t take it anymore. I am in a toxic relationship.

The above few lines are just an example of the internal chatter going on continuously within a male and a female partner, or a husband and wife. This internal chatter is the main reason for fights in relationship. Though, there are infinite kind of conversations with self, but let’s focus on these for the moment.

Now, the wife is unaware of what is going on in her husbands’ head. Likewise, the husband too is unaware. It is like they both are speaking two different languages within themselves, without vocalizing externally. So, their message to each other is going only through the subconscious pathway, but in different verses. This hinders their respective selves to understand each other. The result of this miscommunicating subconscious self is the continuous aggravation of their relationship conflict.

Now, there could be only two results of such fights in relationship. “Destruction” OR “Transformation”.

What happens when they chose “Destruction”? (the Dont’s)

• She leaves him alone, taking the child with her.
• She leaves him as well as the child.
• He leaves her and the child, and finds solace elsewhere.
• They abuse each other physically, and/or verbally.
• They harm themselves physically.
• They continue the mental war between them.
• They abuse the child physically and verbally.
• They destroy those items inside their home, which they were once very fond of.
• They abuse their elders physically and verbally.
• They continue their couple fight outside their personal space.

In all of these choices, each member of that dwelling suffers the brunt of this couple fight equally.

Physical issues emerge, psychological health dithers, finances crumble. What remains is lack of peace and love.

Now, what happens when they chose “Transformation”? (the Do’s)

• He/she breaks the ice of no communication or miscommunication.
• He/she acknowledges the others’ perspective, with analysis of their own perspective.
• He/she views self as the other to understand the reason for their response.
• He/she become aware of their own thoughts and emotions, be it anger, fear, doubt, mistrust, indifference, lack of love, lack of concern, selfishness, grudge, agitation, judgment, anxiety, sadness OR be it love, happiness, selflessness, trust, calmness, satisfaction, peace, joy, confidence, ecstasy, lack of judgment etc.
• He/she acknowledges his/her own fault and expresses the same to the other.
• He/she stops pointing the others’ mistakes, be it of that moment, or of any past moment, or of any moment which never happened in the physical reality!
• He/she ends judging each other’s every word of the mouth, or any of their activities.
• He/she tries to communicate amicably about the reasons for the conflict, which they think are, and how to amend the same.
• He/she bring humor through some way in their communication.
• He/she starts listening to the others’ verbal as well as non-verbal expressions.
• He/she gives appropriate space and time to each other as one may need in that moment.
• He/she communicates about the happy moments of their past together.
• He/she express their perspective or vent out in front of a third person (preferably unrelated or neutral to avoid any bias), if expressing to each other becomes difficult. Preferably both communicating to the same third person.
• He/she doesn’t expect answers to their questions then and there.
• He/she is patient with their partners
• He/she doesn’t assume anything just like that.
• He/she doesn’t intend or try to win over.
• He/she doesn’t impose their own ideations over the other.
• He/she doesn’t go to sleep angry without any communication with each other.
• He/she expresses care for each other by physical touch, either by holding hands/hugging/kissing/caressing or in any other way they think would work.
• He/she cooks/arranges each other’s’ favorite cuisines.
• He/she spend some time with each other either by an in-house date, or visiting their favorite restaurant, or going out on a trip.
• He/she proactively and by heart does the needful for the care of their partners’ health issues.
• He/she try their best to not reveal their conflict in front of children and elders. But, if it has already been revealed, they try their very best to resolve it in front of them.
• He/she cares and supports each other’s’ elder parents for their needs.

Now, replace the “He/She” in the above sentences for transformation with an “I”, if you are experiencing relationship problems. Once you start this, you will experience an instant initiation of resolution of your relationship conflicts.

Take help when needed

Sometimes, taking Psychological help is not a bad idea. Undergoing therapies like Psychodynamic therapy, Cognitive and Behavioral therapy, Behavioral therapy, Interpersonal therapy, Hypnosis, Holistic healing etc help a lot if a relationship doesn’t work out on its own. Some kinds of spiritual healings may help a person become aware of their own thought/emotions in order to understand their responses well. This helps in modifying the same in a constructive manner.

Well, in the heat of anger or any intense conflict, there are chances to flow in that emotion. You may also think if there is any need to end the argument! So, how does one choose transformation over destruction in that heat? Do check it on these pages: “What is spiritual transformation or self-transformation?” and “Why should I end an argument”?

There is a reason for everything, and there is a higher perspective for everything. When one looks for these, taking a break from their usual routine, and a break from flowing in their emotions, every conflict becomes bound to transform. It then initiates an end to all kind of fights in relationship. Once you end the fight within yourself, you transform, and thus your relationship transforms. The choice is yours!

All fights are meant to resolve!